it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
