Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Rumble strips road head = magical
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
