It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
