he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize