I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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