y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
