I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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