I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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