If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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