I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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