He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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