sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
