Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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