Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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