Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
