i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
