I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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