I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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