ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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