someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
