please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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