THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
