I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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