woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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