we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
