I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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