Pants 0. Shit 1.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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