i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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