I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
