Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
