mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
