is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
