you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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