I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
