my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Someone signed my nipple.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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