The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
