How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
