honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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