every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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