I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
