Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
