Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
