I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Did you just see the Batmobile???
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
