I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
ok first of all what the fuck
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
