worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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