sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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