dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
