I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
