I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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