My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
