Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
