when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
