Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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