i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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