oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
