I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
